Overcome with guilt that I have not written anything on this blog for a few days I am passing on the following story sent to me by my adorable sassy mother-in-law!
Hubby will be on my case for not writing my own material, but hey at least I am keeping it in the family. Besides, with all these sugar plum farries dancing in my head, I simply cannot think straight these days.
This is an article submitted to a Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger I n my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.
My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”
I told him she was Jay’s friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can’t wait until next Christmas.
Now XMAS!!
Living with one CRAZY – NASCAR fan I can tell you that this is a dream Christmas gift next to maybe only getting a hold of Jeff Gordon’s fire suit – post race.
6 Laps Behind The Wheel Of A Race Car On NASCAR’s Most Exciting Track – Talladega Superspeedway
http://www.xperiencedays.com/Superspeedway_Teaser.html
Your thrilling racecar driving experience at Talladega Superspeedway begins with first-class insight from a DJRA Certified Racing Instructor who will teach you everything you need to know about these amazing racecars, the track and the safety aspects of high-speed driving. Next, its time to climb through the window and get strapped in to the Sprint Cup Stockcar!
Seated next to an instructor, you will learn hand signals, drafting, and how to enter and exit the speedway. Then take off on 6 straight action-pack laps around NASCAR’s largest 2.7 mile track – Talladega Superspeedway. Reaching speeds up to 165 mph, embrace the true feel of the race car and find the racing groove. Feel free to pass other drivers, while constantly improving technique and lap times. This is the perfect gift for the NASCAR fan in your life!
Every Experience Gift is beautifully presented in our unique Xperience Days Gift Box.
So this is what Hubby will find in his stocking OOPS! Spoiled the surprise….oh well, 1 Jeff Gordon coffee mug coming up!
